Why?

63 days 

Here we go.

A little over 8 weeks. 

That just makes Morocco sound so real. So close. 

I’m in the mindset of “I have so much time left to do x,y,& z.” And while I still do have time, it seems much much shorter than I had imagined. My year abroad has always been somewhere on the horizon, way in the distance. I could always see it but never touch it. Well, I still can’t touch it, but I’ve magically gotten closer to it. 

People keep saying to me “have fun in Morocco.” I assure them with a smile, that I will have fun. Because I know I will. There’s no doubt in my mind that I would have fun (most) anywhere on the globe. But there’s so much more than fun to be had—there are lessons to be learned, languages to wrap my mouth around, relationships to be built, streets to walk, trams to ride, and miles of Morocco to explore. I get excited just thinking about it. I want to soak it all up, to take it all in and to make it all my own. 

Whenever someone says “have fun in Morocco,” I want to cry out “But…I’ll see you before then, right?” And of course, we’ll promise to hang out later in the summer or I’ll invite them to my (not yet planned) good bye party. But I realize that there are no guarantees that we’ll see each other again before I leave. 

When I get too sad about leaving behind everything and everyone, I try to remind myself that it’s not a forever goodbye. I tell myself that by this time next year, all the people and places I love will have been both separated and reunited. I wonder—how I will I feel then? Will this year fundamentally change me? What will my mindset be like, twelve months from today? Was it worth it?  There is a small part of me that looks forward to that day, when I can (figuratively) gaze over this whole year and know the answers to those questions. But there is a much larger part of me that is (in equal parts) excited and apprehensive about the twelve months that lie between here and there. 

I’m going to Morocco because it been my dream since I knew exchange was possible. Because YES Abroad made that dream possible and because my parents helped me along the way. Because I want to learn Arabic and French.  The desire to travel and learn a new language are very good answers to the question “Why?” Yet in a certain way, they don’t scratch the surface of why I will be getting on a plane in 63 days. There is a much bigger “why?” to be answered. Why do I want to leave behind everything I know for an altogether different life? What force is pulling me across the globe to a land I really don’t know much about? 

I am in the pursuit of something. I don’t really know what. Perhaps I am searching for the confirmation of the intuition that life can be wildly different across the globe, yet despite this, people are the same. Or the manifestation of good within all people, religions and cultures. Or a more multicultural identity. Perhaps I’m looking for all these things. It’s possible that I’m looking for none of them. I don’t know yet. Maybe I’ll find what I’m searching for in Morocco, but I think I’ll be creating it. Day by day, the life I carve out myself in Morocco will become the answer to the very intimidating question of “why?” When I can walk down the street in Morocco and feel as at home as I do here, when I can point out my favorite cafe and give directions to a tourist, when the words of Moroccan Arabic roll off my tongue, when I have a family to hug and friends to laugh with, maybe then I will know why I came to Morocco. But until then, I will be searching through my efforts to make Morocco home. And when I do figure out “why” I’ll be sure to let you know.